Mommy's little angel

*this is taking me alot of guts to say..well right..  But for all you that dont know... I dont live with my mom... She abandoned me and my sister... I havent seen her in years.. She was a drug addict and an alcoholic and as well as abusive to me and my sister.. But as Im growing up now, I just wanna let the past go... I want to start over.. I want my mom back..And after all the shit that she has done to me Im willing to let it go cause I miss her so much.. I just wanna know where she is and if she is ok and if she has atleast thought of me once*

(im sitting at my computer desk crying right now as I type this)

Im the little girl you used to give kisses to at night.

But in the morning our mouths were only used to fight.

A slap to the face, or a punch to my guts,

to say I want you back you'd think that Im nuts.

Do you think about me as much as I think of you?

Do you recall all our good memories and the things we used to do? 

Did you even try to keep me? Did you ever really care?

How do you think I feel when I look for your smile and  know it wont be there.

 When I close my eyes all I see is your angry face.

But when I open them Im in a better place.

I dont wanna talk to you, I just wanna know your ok.

And if you have left this earth, Just know I wish you've couldve stayed.

You lied, you cheated, you beat and decieved me

But I think I discovered that you never trully loved me. 

Idk what the purpose of this post was, I guess just to vent.

But mom you left my heart with crack and the worlds biggest dent.

And you can see my heart beating

I can feel it... 

Something bad is about to happen.

Im about to make something completely avoidable happen. 

Drama, Pain, a mistake. 

Though I cant help it if it's the way I feel. 

My life is a ticking time bomb and patience is lighting the wick.

I tried to make things work but I just dont think I can do it anymore.

I love you dont get me wrong and I know you tried to make me happy,

but Im not.

Atleast not anymore.. 

or so I think.

Im missing something,

a piece of me.....

I need to be somewhere and do something.

I need a CHANGE of SCENERY.

Your gonna be pissed off with me

your gonna be hurt

your possibly gonna hate  me.

But im hurting too

and im upset and

I hate myself too..

Just something is gonna happen

and this is my warning. 

I just dont know what and when though.

Caterpilla in the tree how you wonder who you'll be

I feel like a caterpillar still trapped in its' cocoon stuggling to get out. 

Im trapped and tired of being confined in this small space, yet I try not to pout.

Im ready to turn into a butterfly and leave my old life behind.

Im tired of being hidden, it's my turn to shine.

Im ready to turn into something beautiful, I'm ready to soar above all the rest

I want everyone to see my bright colors that  are all along my chest. 

Im sorry I cant be perfect

You will never be proud of me, I can guarantee you that for a fact. 

For you don't like they way I dress and you don't like the way I act.

I cant be your perfect child, for Im not as smart as you want me to be.

But I like the way I am, and thats something you'll never see. 

I may not be smart and I may not be wise, 

But Im gonna live my life the way I want to and keep it free from all your lies.

Im tired of trying to be someone Im not for you.

But being my parents I know you wont see me through.

You can say Im disappointed in you

just know I feel the same way too.

Its hard growing up in this day and age, most of us are misunderstood.

But if we are as bad as you think we are, we will never do as we should.

You will never hang my work up on the fridge nor tell your friends about the good that i've done.

Yet I can live my life just fine, knowing that Im not your number one.

Sorry I cant be the child you've always wanted, you cant always get what you want.

But my  independence is nothing to you, and something you will never vaunt.

:) Candy Gram

To: Marty

I just remembered the candy gram you sent me. Your was sweet and true.. You told me exactly how you felt. I on the other hand just said Happy Holidays... 

But little do you know, I have a hard time telling people what I have to say by writing it.

Im better with talking...But idk..here's my redo

You're funny, you're cute, your're sweet, you're nice, you're a dork <3, you're talented, you're amazing, but most of all you're yourself. Your true to yourself and others. And thats hard to find in a guy. So Im soo happy and lucky that I have you. Never in a million bagillion years would I have ever thought of dating you. But Im soo happy we are. You make me laugh, happy, smile, and feel so great inside. I love spending time with you and being with you. I LOVE having YOU in my life. :) This is how I feel only after a month of dating you, but Im looking forward for more months to come. I miss you already

xoxoxo

- Marlee :P  

Ps: Merry Christmas

Damnation

Im the home wrecker, Im the problem, Im the reason why my grandma cries.

Im the theif, Im the mistake, Im the reason why my life is filled with lies.

I committed assault, I almost killed someone, I almost got into a fight.

I cut, I screamed, I hid, I ran. I packed my bags and escaped into the night.

I smile, I laugh, I dream, I fall.

I see the stars and try to count them all.

Im not used to being happy, I may act like it but Im not.

I like to feel sad and apathetic, but if I am I get caught.

My friends try to make me happy, but if they heard my story they would probably  stop.

Yet when Im  at the bottom they try to put me on the top.

I dont have the highest self-esteem, I dont always have a clue.

And this may all sound stupid, but boy if you only knew.

I fight, I stand, I live, I survive.

And for the first time in my life I've never felt so alive. 

I don't give a damn as to what people think.

For I dont have to answer questions if I smoke or if I drink.

I know what Ive done, and I know what Ive said.

But if life was about living with fear and regret aren't we better off dead?

Let us raise a glass to the misunderstood who came before us, for they chased after the sun.

And for the rest of us misunderstood children, are mission has just begun.

If today was your last day

I scream at the tops of my lungs hoping someone can hear me.

I pull out my hair and bang my head and wonder what life would be

With out me there would be no drama no problems no lies no pain

In the end I lose but you have something to gain.

Imagine I'm gone, I took my life and now it's in the grim reapers possession.

Im gone with no warning and there's no time for a reconciliation.

As you put your make up on you see a smudge on the mirror .

You wipe it clean so you can see clearer.

But what do you see, are you proud of what you've done?

Do you think about all the millions of people in the world or are you the only one?

If you were to leave the earth, could you say you had a good life?

Or did you live your life with regret and end it on bad strife?

Theres always something missing, and it kills to when you can't figure out what.

But to figure out what that is, you gotta walk through life with a strut.